I keep waiting to post something when i have pictures and i am SO bad at uploading pictures so my post are few and far between. I guess a new year can bring a new start to things so i have a hope/goal to post more even if it is just writing. so here goes- Christmas was lovely, Jeremy and i put up our first tree because last year was CRAZY working at outback and then we went to Ohio to see his extended family so it just plain never happened. this year we were determined to not let Christmas traditions like that slip by. the tree was a real live one- antoher first for me. we spent the majority of the holiday in Chattanooga which was nice but its also strange. i love going home and seeing my family but its hard. i feel like i live in this universe where i don't always fit or belong. when I'm in Jackson its great, feels like home, like i belong -MOST of the time but every now and then i get an ache for something else, for my family and old friends in the 'noog. but then when I'm in chattanooga it doesn't always fit or feel how i had been dreaming it would. i never thought anything other than chattanooga could truly feel like home or give me that sense of belonging but when I'm there I feel everything but that. i love it but its not my home and even though i have tried to stay connected and in touch i have failed. there's SO much about me and about my life that can't be shared in phone conversations (maybe even just voicemails) and weekend trips here and there. i know they would say the same about their lives, that i don't truly know what is going on or to what extent it has been happening. i feel so much confusion and discomfort as i type this. where do i fit- with jeremy obviously and where he is is where i'll be and where are home will be but what a heavy thought to think that those who used to know me the best struggle to grasp who i am now and what my life is. and even more when i hurt and am going through something i don't necessarily call them and that when they hurt and are struggling with something i'm not necessarily who they turn to. what has it all become- exactly what its supposed to be -but who would have thunk it? maybe its all good. maybe i need to feel the ache all the time and remind myself that this isn't my home that nowhere on this earth should i feel comfortable because my home is in heaven and that is where i belong. nowhere else.
will i ever get it, grasp that concept? can i ever feel content to not always be comfortable?
"i've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks. the future feels so hard, i wanna go back. but the places that used to fit me can not hold the things i've learned. those roads were closed off to me when my back was turned."- deuteronomy, sara groves, mary margaret- thanks.
